I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
