She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
