yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
