Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
