I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
