Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i've created a new STD.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
