Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
