I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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