here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
