That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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