I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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