Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
