Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
