k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
