I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
