Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize