You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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