Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
