Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
