im having a threesome with these popsicles
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
