god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize