i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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