i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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