yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
