I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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