If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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