i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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