i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
