I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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