I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
