R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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