I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
farters have to be the big spoon...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
