I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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