Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He better not be in your backpack
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
