my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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