someone get that fucking seahorse.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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