if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
