is your mom at the bar?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
