Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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