So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
