k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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