If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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