A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
