Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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