I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
