My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize