Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
