something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
