you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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