I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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