Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
