if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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