I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize