Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
