fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
