I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The air was thick with penises
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
