True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
