He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
