see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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