So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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