the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
