Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
