if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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