i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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