Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
